Hello old friend...

Pfft... Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Kinda forgot all about the blog. Whoops.

So, in the rather large gap since I've posted, there have been some developments. I remember discussing my social anxiety previously somewhere & I've done something huge.

I realised where I want to go in life. I want to cook. I love to cook. It's a passion I can bring to a professional level. So, I applied for college, attended a (disastrous) interview & got accepted. Woohoo, how awesome is that?

I'm having second thoughts. Not for the reasons you might think though. It's not the anxiety, it's not the new situation, it's not fear (although it's pretty damn scary). It's about me & the kids.

W is starting school in August (that came around pretty quickly) so I had no worries about him. I knew he'd be in school all day, I wouldn't have to worry about him being dropped off or picked up etc. But O starts nursery in January & I wanna be there the same way I did for W. I know I can put him into a college nursery but I want him at the local nursery to make the transition into school easier. I wanna be there for him in the afternoon, picking him up & doing stuff together like W & I used to do. Plus, he's a totally different kid. Between separation anxiety & various other issues (that's a whole other story), I don't feel it would be in his best interest (or mine for that matter) to leave him for college just yet.

To be honest, is it really worth being in college, trying to study & progress when the whole time I'd be wondering about what's happening back home & at nursery? I'd be doing myself an injustice never mind anyone else.

At first, I was upset with my decision. I was angry that I'd wasted people's time & then changed my mind. I was worried about what other people would say. Some thinking that I was making excuses not to go, some people believing that there's more to life than kids. But you know what? I'm a parent first & foremost & my heart lies with my children. To do something for myself & not being entirely sure it's the best thing all round for my children is the most important thing in the world. Do I really want to do something I want to do but not have my heart 100% in it? 

I have time on my side. Plenty of time. I can wait a year & a half to go to college until O is in primary school. Why be half happy & doubt yourself for almost 2 years when I can be happy knowing I've did the right thing by me & my family?

Mummies (& daddies), we spend our whole parenting lives doubting ourselves. Whether it be about how we feed our babies, where they sleep, how we lead them, we always doubt ourselves. Just remember, you & your kids are the ones who matter. Trust your instincts & don't let how other people are going to judge you or feel about you. Don't do anything if you know, deep in your heart, that it's not the right thing to do or the right time to do it. And DO NOT beat yourself up over the things you have or haven't done. Be happy.

- M

Swing parks, shaving cream & social anxiety...

Well, it's been a busy couple of days. Between the other half injuring his ankle & feeling a bit rubbish myself, haven't really sat down to write to be honest.

Over the past few days, although it's been a bit hectic, we've had a pretty good time. For a start we had a playdate with a Mummy friend. Was refreshing actually sitting talking to someone over the age of 10 for any length of time but strange talking to someone I didn't have to tell off at any given point!! Started off a pretty dull day so was worried it was going to rain but by the time K got here, it had brightened up a bit. We decided to take the boys to the swing park, had a bit of a gab & the boys seemed to have fun. Although I must admit, there was a slight hiccup in the end after such a pleasant afternoon. W had developed a bit of an unhealthy obsession with K & decided that home time was the perfect time to start a lovely tantrum involving tears, 'you don't love mes' that horrid whingy voice all us Mums love & making me feel so guilty that I'm prepared to tattoo 'bad mummy' on my forehead. After some cajoling, the promise of another visit & a piggy back we finally got home in one piece.

After having some grown up time that afternoon it made me realise that my days are so child-focused that I have next to no adult interaction apart from via social networking. I don't know if that's healthy or if it's just one of those things that happen when you have these little monsters we call our children. Especially for those of us who don't feel as if we really 'fit in'? I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb when in social situations & especially when there are strangers involved. It's one personality trait I really despise about myself, the shyness, the anxiety, the inability to interact & have the confidence to approach other people. I hate that from an outsiders point of view that I probably come across as ignorant or unapproachable but I don't think it's exactly appropriate to wear a massive 'I HAVE ANXIETIES' sticker on my forehead. Standing like a spare prick at a wedding at nursery time probably looks a bit dodgy when everyone else seems to relaxed & socialising with one another. Not going to lie, I do get pretty jealous of other people who can just breeze into any situation & just slot right in & get into conversation etc. After speaking to my Mum later on that night, she made me realise that I spend so much time complaining & getting upset about my social anxieties but don't really push myself into doing something about them. And she has a point, because although I have attended CBT & started doing every day regular things without a thought anymore, I still haven't made that big push. So I solemnly swear, here today, with everyone watching, that I am going to take a step forwards. I don't know exactly what that step is yet but watch this space. M is booting her anxiety right up the arse once & for all. Just you wait & see!!

So the next day, pretty bored, having a Google for inspiration as to what to do, I stumbled across shaving foam painting from The Imagination Tree.

We already had some paints & paintbrushes in the house so it just cost us £1 for a tin of shaving foam & the kids were happy for aaaaages! We just started off by squirting the foam into paint pots & swirled in some paint with the handle of the brush. Bit messy because it's starts to foam up & overspill.

Both the boys had a great time with the foam paint. For O, he loved exploring it with his fingers as opposed to the brushes & seemed to really like the feeling of the foam between his fingers. W on the other hand, really liked being able to paint himself & all over the walls without making a mess & Mummy being a bit peeved. All in all, it was a roaring success & the two of them ended up in a right state & had loads of fun. And it only took about 30 secs to rinse off both children & the bath at the same time. Definite win!

So that brings us to today, a pretty boring day, spent mostly indoors. However we did have an indoor picnic which the kids seemed to find rather awesome. Most exciting part of the day was playing with Moondough in the bath & realising that the bath is now my favourite play area because we can make as much mess as possible & it only takes seconds to tidy up!! I don't know if it's genius or sure laziness...

- M