One week down & a set of sore hips...

Well, that's us into our second week of the summer holidays. And... you guessed it, still not ticked off anything on our bucket list. Clearly I'm failing at holiday-parentness.

So... aside from that, my eldest is now 5. *5*! I can't bloody believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was holding this bundle of chubby awesomeness in my arms after a grueling labour of grand proportions. I'm officially no longer the parent of a pre-schooler. How time flies. As a whole, it wasn't a big birthday. We didn't have a party, on the grounds that our garden wasn't exactly big enough for the bouncy castle. I don't know who was more disappointed to be honest, me or him. However, he did wake full of the joys of spring, upon hearing the Orange Walk coming through our area. Whilst B & I groaned & rolled over trying to get back to sleep after the rude awakening, W was delighted. Due to the fact he was convinced this was his birthday parade. Seriously. What a kid. We had the option to break the news that it wasn't but he was so happy. Then opening presents, breakfast, lunch, cake, confetti & streamers, visit to Grans, journey back home to spend the night playing board games. Not an eventful day as such but apparently the "best birthday ever in his life" so wasn't a total bust. Now, I must share the cake, made by my Mum, simply because it's just awesome...

Awesomely awesome Batman cake!

So that was Saturday. Sunday was a non-event, W went to stay with his Gran & we all farted about the house, played in the garden, the usual.

Today on the other hand was mortifying. Woke up, told the kids that we were going to the swing park. Cue whoops & hoorays from said children. Then it started raining. Cue unhappy moans from children. Then the rain went off again. Cut happy cheers. So we head out, go to the shops for drinks, go to the swing park & start playing. So it's the usual, swings, slides, roundabouts, zipslide, all that jazz. Me, in my infinite wisdom, thought it would be funny to show the youngest how to go down the slide headfirst laying on his tummy. Well, after losing 5lb, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to fit down a slide intended for use by 1-5 year olds or thereabouts. I got stuck. Like, wedged thanks to my womanly childbearing hips. Talk about embarrassing. I had one kid pulling my arms trying to pull me down the slide & a few more at the back trying to shove me by the arse to get me down. Alas, to no avail. Thankfully, in the end, I had the sense to attempt to roll onto my side to unwedge myself & slid down, landing unceremoniously on my back, in the middle of the swing park with a group of kids standing over me wetting themselves laughing. That was definitely not a high point in my life. The aching hips & bruised ego didn't get me down though & we plodded on through the 2.5 hours (!) spent in the swing park. 

Totally crashed coming home to find dishes still unwashed & the kitchen a tip, I had to clean it all before I could start dinner. I think to myself "Hey, just sit & read a chapter of your book first, the dishes will wait, all the kids are playing quite happily, go for it!" I then become aware of how quiet O has become. Turns out that pouring a whole carton of orange juice on the kitchen floor is way more fun than playing in the garden. Obviously. To my shame, I think I might have actually screamed.

I swear, some days I'm convinced these children will be the end of me...

But I think we'll live to see another day. Booked a weekend away, see if a trip away from home will make a difference to the daily trials & tribulations of family life. Not likely but we can but dream...

- M

Robots, dead e-readers & the family's crushing disappointment of Moroccan food...

Well, we're already halfway through the first week of the summer holidays! What have we achieved so far? Bugger all. So much for doing something every day. Best laid plans & all that jazz. I at least half expected to get a picnic or something out of the way by now but laziness appears to have taken over. Apart from nipping to the shops, we've literally done nothing of any particular value. Whoops. I can see my plan for us to do something, no matter how small, has fell flat on it's face within days. The shame. I think that I may have been either a bit over ambitious or totally delirious to think that we'd actually manage to pull it off.

At least we've spent some quality time together right enough. O spent most of the week outside in the garden & has taken to communicating with birds. I actually watched him attempt to interact with a pigeon yesterday. W & I had a bit of fun tonight as well. Coming up with stuff to do is usually left to me but the little dude decided it would be fun to write a story together. Consisting of him drawing pictures & dictating to me what to write next to them. Kids have the most awesome imaginations ever. I wonder if it dilutes as we come into adulthood or if I've literally never had any imagination whatsoever because I try to come up with stories for him & generally fail if I'm honest. I really wish I could find my camera to share the wonderful giant/robot/mummy/dinosaur affair that we concocted together. Probably the highlight of the evening was noticing he had drawn a superman sign on his chest & then attempted to draw a cape on his own back. I swear, if it wasn't for these kids, my life would be so dull.

On a less pleasant note, I had to talk to someone about O's teeth. Oh the guilt & shame of having to confront the fact that you can't brush your child's teeth therefor they have started to rot. I actually cried. I'm so terrified that he's going to lose his two front teeth but we've literally came to a point where there's nothing else I can try but keep on going with everything we've already tried. I've never met a child so traumatised by the whole toothbrushing process in my whole life. Although admittedly I'm only 25 so there's only so many children I've met thus far. Yesterday afternoon, I actually told my neighbour I was concerned she'd contact social services due to the bloodcurdling screams coming from my bathroom at night after bathtime. It's horrendous. You've never known stress until you have a 2 year old doing the worm on your knee, screaming & totally pitching a fit. Typically, we both end up in tears. Just praying to God the dental team can sort us out because I think I might tear my hair out if I can't get those teeth brushed properly soon.

The day, as a whole, has been a little bit of a let down. I spent a large part of my morning , mourning a great loss. My trusty companion, by my side through good times & bad has passed. My Kindle died at some point during the night. What a sense of guttedness I can't describe. Now, I've had a broken Kindle before but usually it's been a result of someone's stupidity but it literally just died without warning. I was halfway through Jane Eyre & now have to wait on a copy of it coming into my local library so I can finish the bloody thing! On top of that, I'd just bought ingredients to make dinner from a recipe book I'd just recently bought on Kindle so I'm sitting with a varying set of foodstuffs & no bloody recipe to cook from! Google, thankfully, came to the rescue (not for the first time, I must add) & I managed to download the Kindle PC thingymajigger. Unfortunately, by that point it was like 7pm by the time we actually managed to sit down to eat. Then no bugger ate it! Mum put hers by "for later" (due to previous experience, I know I'm going to be scraping it in the bin at 4pm tomorrow after I go to preheat the oven & find out there's still a plate of bloody food in there!!!), Ellie pretty much just swirled it around her plate, eating a few bites of chicken here & there, & Charlie, who apparently loved it & was going to eat it all, must have eaten about half a chunk of chicken. Bloody waste of food & a total waste of my (rather precious) time! *AND* I hung a washing out & it started bucketting with rain. Thank you Mother Nature for lulling us into a false sense of security, thinking we were having summer this year!

Well, maybe tomorrow will be a bit sunnnier & manage to actually tick something off the summer bucket list. Not likely but as they say, "always look on the bright side of life" *skips off whistling*.

- M

The end of an era...

What an emotional 7 days it has been. E had her leavers assembly for leaving primary school & moving to secondary. What a tug on the heart strings that one was. I can't believe that the little blonde haired 3 year old who used to follow me about like a little puppy has become an 11 year old, ready for high school, all those years left way behind.

Ultimately, the thing that almost killed me, was Ws nursery graduation ceremony. Oh lord, I'm filling up just typing that one sentence. What a lovely afternoon that was. All the kids had wee caps & gowns, & they all sang songs & read out little poems. It might just be the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. I started crying before the thing even started & I've been crying on & off ever since.

I'm seriously having difficulty trying to process my baby growing up. I know he's almost 5 & that all of this is a natural progression but I never thought I'd feel this much about him getting older & growing up. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears & I'm getting increasingly more annoyed with myself as the days go by. This afternoon, we got his little folder home & I honestly was teary walking the rest of the way home looking through his bits & pieces, his report from the teacher & a few pictures of him from his time at nursery.

Tomorrow is his last day & I don't know how he's going to handle it. He thought today was his last day & was almost in tears as we were leaving. Sure as fate, his two closest friends are going to different school & he's so gutted he's not going to have his teacher ever again. I have a funny feeling there's going to be more than one of us crying at 11.15am tomorrow morning. What the hell am I going to do when he starts secondary school? When he leaves home? Christ, I'm just going to become more of an emotional mess as the years go by!

Looks like I should be bulk buying Kleenex for the rest of my life...

On the bright side, the school holidays are almost here. Hopefully a more productive holiday than last year. The plan: Do something every day. Not necessarily a day out but just something together as a family. The reality will probably be extremely different but fingers crossed we can all make the effort.

Here's to the past 2 years of nursery, new experiences, self-development & growth of all of our little people moving on to the next stage in their lives <3

I'm away to get a tissue...

- M x

30 Day Shredding & sweating in places I never knew I could sweat...

Oh dear... The kids are all in bed & I decided to start the whole exercise thing again. Now, I started doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred a while back, did 3 days & got bored. I was slimmer back then (I think I was about 2 stone lighter than I am now) & found it way easier than I do now. I'm sweating in places I never knew existed, never mind knew you could perspire from. At one point, I think I might actually have begun to weep.

Amazon: Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred

^ Anyone considering doing it, give it a try. 20 minutes worth of torture & that's it. Not hours of toiling away, 20 minutes of pure TORTURE & you can flop in a heap somewhere & have a slice of cake (oh no wait, that's not how it works, is it?)! JILLIAN MICHAELS YOU CRUEL MISTRESS!! But we'll see if it works, the proof is in the pudding & all that jazz. With the way I'm feeling tonight, after 29 more days of this, I'll probably be a shadow of my former self (mental note to allow an extra portion of cake so not to overdo it ;)). I'm sitting here currently regretting my actions because there's a mahoosive chance that I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning & not actually be able to move from my bed. I'm frightened to say the least.

I've totally fallen off the wagon with the whole healthy eating thing again. I don't know what's wrong with me. Willpower just is not my thing. Okay, I managed to quit smoking (eventually) but food, bad food for that matter, is just... No, I can't do it. How do you resist the call of the cream cake? Ignore the scent of baked goods in the air? Dismiss the glorious sight of chocolate lining the walls of the newsagents? Forever the pessimist, I'm setting myself up for failure. Can see it already...

Anyway, today was a bit of a non-event. Nothing exciting or dramatic happened for a change. Unless of course you count going to the dentist in a total flap to be sent away with some new toothpaste after freaking yourself out. Or even better, an almost 5 year old throwing a wobbly for over an hour over crisps. CRISPS!! A single packet of crisps. The noise, oh the noise, of a screeching child who is so tired that the desire for a packet of crisps he cannot have is so strong it's tearing his world apart, is a sound that will haunt me to the grave. I actually think my ears might still be ringing. Good job the night ended with apologies & cuddles or else I think my hair would've all turned grey & fallen out by now. Maybe in the morning we can have a fist fight over a mango or something *shrugs*. 

(Note: I do not actually get into fist fights with children, before anyone gets excited! Or adults for that matter.)

- M

Weather & other Scottish stereotypes...

So today, Scotland truly lived up to it's stereotypes. Abrupt weather changes, midges ripping people to bits, people drinking at 1 in the afternoon & people unnecessarily removing their clothing as soon as the temperature breaks through 5 degrees >_<

So, it was lovely this morning. Sun splitting the trees, nice & warm, dry. As the morning passed, we asked the kids if they fancied going out. Nothing fancy, just a walk down the Glen (the local woodlandsy type area) & a trip to the swing park. Result! Four extremely pleased children, eager to get on the move. Then comes the actual leaving the house part. C decides actually he wants to skip the walk altogether & go straight to the swing park. No can do I'm afraid little man, needed to get the walk out of the way first as there were a few ominous grey clouds lurking in the distance & didn't want trapped in the bloody woods if the weather changed. For some reason, this warranted a ridiculously dramatic reaction. Tears, screams & a strange take on using interpretive dance to convey his upset. A sort of cross between breakdancing & rolling about. Breathtaking, truly breathtaking. Eventually we manage to leave the house.

Now, one of the entrances into the Glen is about 5 minutes from the house, by an adult, at a casual pace. With 4 children between the ages of 2 & 11, this journey must have taken just shy of half an hour. Every single ladybug, every ant, every dog in it's garden... Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy to take our time & marvel at the world around us with the children but in incredibly clammy weather with B & the older 2 boys racing on in front, E & I were left alone with the toddler & no sense of direction whatsoever. Thankfully, we had the good sense to fling the toddler on my back & hotfoot it towards the boys.

As soon as we break through the first lot of trees, I instantly realise our mistake. It's absolutely sweltering. Not comfortably warm but sweltering. It's so clammy & the midges were having a field day. I'm convinced I can still feel my face crawling as I sit here 9 hours later. Sensibly, B decides that there should be an adult at the front & an adult at the back with all the children walking in the middle. Little did I know, I was the unlucky bugger getting stuck at the back. For those who don't know me, I'm the biggest scardeycat in the whole world. You name anything & I can guarantee you I will find an aspect of it I find terrifying. So me looking over my shoulder every two minutes filled with sheer terror took some of the fun away from the experience. But the children had a great time, getting away from the computers & tellies & getting some exercise. I must admit, there were a few hairy moments (on my part) where I was terrified  one of the kids were going to fall into the (rushing) water but we all managed back unscathed & pretty happy.

So we headed on towards the swing park, kids full of joy that we were finally there. All of them finds a spot to play or an activity to do & no sooner had O gotten his butt down the slide, the heavens opened. Now, I'm not talking a little drizzle of rain, I'm talking torrential downpour. Hurrying B along with O to get him out of the rain, E stayed behind to help me get W home. The slowest walker in history. Again, a 5 minute journey ended up taking 20 & we ended up home like drowned rats. Thankfully the horrendously loud thunder decided to wait until we got home & didn't last particularly long. Still awfully clammy at 11.35pm though. 

Today's lessons learned: You live in Scotland. Check the weather before you leave the house. Never take any bit of sunshine for granted. Dress for all 4 seasons on a daily basis. Don't go into the woods if you're a scaredycat. Carry midge spray when going into the woods. And, I repeat. Remember you live in Scotland!!!

- M

Sleepy... so sleepy...

What a long day. What a long, long, long day! After my whiny moany post last night, I retreated to bed & then couldn't sleep. The indescribable frustration at being so tired yet unable to sleep is just ridiculous. I literally tossed & turned all night. No matter what I tried, nothing sent me off. I now wonder if it was the abscence of the wee-soaked pillow that sabotaged my sleepytime!!! I ended up having to survive today on 2 hours (or thereabouts) sleep. 

To start the day, I had what felt like a drunken meeting thing at the school W will be attending. Sitting trying not to sway with tiredness, being gripped with irrational fear when the teacher starts selecting parents & looking for volunteers to do stuff. "Pleasedon'tpickme pleasedon'tpickme pleasedon'tpickme" was pretty much my inner monologue the whole bloody time. Trying desperately not to collapse from exhaustion on the way home. Proper rough.

I think kids can sense when you're tired. Just something inside them goes "She's tired, let's drive her insane." I genuinely lost count of the number of times the children said my name today. Over & over, taking turns, one after the other. Bizarre requests, repeating questions, being unable to articulate what they want (darling O). Then the storm began...

So E & Mum are going to see One Direction. She's 11 & at "that" stage. Everyone hates her, she hates everyone, make-up, hair, hormones, the lot. So I expected a bit of friction throughout the morning with the two of them getting ready. But holy hell, I wasn't prepared for this. Tears, tantrums, SCREAMING, juice spilling all over her just 10 minutes before they're due to leave. Why do we get ourselves into these situations? 

Thankfully, the evening panned out quite satisfactory. Taking the boys out into the garden, playing, trampolining, swinging & just being outside. In fact, O had so much fun, he decided to make up a new game. Now, I hate static shocks, like, really hate them. So O decides it's a good idea to start rolling around the trampoline until his hair is standing on end, menacingly creeping up to me with this crazy look in his eye, to poke me & give me a shock. Which by the way, sometimes actually hurts!! The sheer glee I witnessed however, made the shocks worthwhile. I think there's a certain type of kid that is only happy outdoors. I have to say that's my O. I've never met a kid that can be such a terror indoors then turn into this angelic happy sweet child when he crosses the threshhold & out into the world outside. It's insane. Then bath/bedtime, the very moment I ranted & raved about was glorious. Had a bath together, O & I, bubbles, splashing, playing in the water. Then he brushed his teeth. Then got dressed. Then cuddled up & nursed to sleep. Maybe I should complain online about stuff more often...

The silence afterward, however, was a little unnerving. For a house that's always so full of action & sound, I wasn't prepared for the quietness that followed me getting little O to sleep. I came downstairs & looked out the front window to the happiest sight. My 22 year old brother out playing football across the park with W & C & a few of their friends. Having a pretty rocky history in the past together, if you had told me I would be witnessing this sight 3 years ago, I'd tell you that you were on drugs & to seek serious medical advice. Then W comes in, goes upstairs to wait on me going to play Lego Batman with him but then gets himself into bed & is sleeping by the time I get upstairs. Thankfully I still managed to get my cuddle when he roused as I took his glasses off. Surprisingly, after waking to what felt like the worst day ever, I honestly think I'll be going to bed happy with a smile on my face.

So now, it's a waiting game. Just waiting on E & Mum getting back so I can head to my own bed. Although, God only knows the state they're going to come home in. Hopefully, they'll have stopped screaming by the time they get in. Then I can *FINALLY* rest my head & (hopefully) get some semblance of sleep. All the while looking forward to tomorrows enrollment meeting with Os nursery. God help them...

- M

Bath/bedtime & why I hate it so much...

It's 12.49am as I sit down to type this. I've just woken up from falling asleep whilst taking the boys to bed. My night was officially sabotaged by the little people. Had big plans (well, if you call sewing & having a bath "big" that is) & now it's about time to go back to bed. If only they'd gone to sleep bloody sooner...

Most Mums love bath/bedtime. Whether they're the 'OMG can't wait until bedtime, peace & quiet' types or the 'Can't wait until bedtime to have a splash & a snuggle with my babies' type. There must be something wrong with me, because nowadays I have a serious dislike for it. Don't get me wrong, there are some nights where bed time is a blast & it's all lovey dovey & snuggly but most nights, I feel like my hair is going to fall out with stress & that I genuinely could run away. I can't remember feeling like this before with my eldest, he's actually not bad with the whole hygeine/sleep business. I used to look forward to this time of the day but I think my youngest has a vendetta against me & is trying to push me over the edge >_<

We've got a pretty loose routine. Involves bath & bed around the same time most nights. It all starts out fairly calmly, the clock ominously ticks closer to 7pm (oh no, it's nearly time). O, quite happily, comes upstairs to help run the bath & pour in some bubbles (don't turn around though, wouldn't be the first time a whole bottle of bubble bath ended up in there). But then it begins it's rapid descent, removing socks, trousers & nappy, I think, okay it's all going well, we can do this tonight, then the t-shirt has to come off. Now, I have no idea what is with my youngest & having his t-shirt removed but I've never seen a child go so limp & screamy over a t-shirt. Whether it's pulled loose so it slips over his head or whatever, it's like you're trying to remove part of his soul. Then come the screams as you attempt to lift this floppy, kicking mess into the water itself. Doesn't always prove to be as easy as it sounds. Putting defensive feet onto the side of the bath, shoving me backwards until I nearly land on my ass. 

Then, it's the calm before the storm. He remembers he actually enjoys bath time. Starts playing, gets washed (even doesn't mind getting his hair washed), splashes about, has a laugh with Mummy. Then, I catch his eye as I stand up to reach for his toothbrush from the holder & apply toothpaste. The glee-filled expression changes to one of terror. Pure terror at the prospect of actually having his teeth brushed. THE HORROR!!! So I try to distract him, blow bubbles on him, play with his Peppa boat & then when he's calm, he gets scooped from the water, wrapped in a towel & cuddled into a false sense of security. Now, we've tried every tactic in the book for teeth brushing, nothing works, nothing at all. Most prospective parents are dreading the late nights, teething & a having a sore perineum in the early days (none of which are very pleasant by the way) but they're wrong. You're all being lied to, it's the teethbrushing you need to dread!! I swear, the screams that come from this child (again no matter what you try to do to distract, please, entertain him, during the process) are horrendous. I can just picture my neighbours attempting to decide whether to call 999, social services or a glazier to get their windows replaced because the high pitched screech has smashed them to bits!!! Most nights, I end up in tears. I'm embarassed to admit. 

Recovering from the teethbrushing ordeal, we make some funny faces in the mirror then head to the bedroom. Then the horns truly come out. Trying to get this child dressed, is like trying to... trying to... nah, I can't even come up with anything in my head that could possibly be harder. Catching him first, is probably the hardest part. I've never seen a child move so fast (laughing like a maniac) as O does when he sees you with a nappy in your hand. Now, I know kids love to be naked, that's fair enough but come on, seriously? Getting the nappy on before he pees somewhere is crucial, tonight, I failed in my attempts.  He peed on my pillow, he honest to God, peed on my pillow. And not just any pillow, my good pillow, my snuggly pillow. I was sad. Very sad. Then, just like the removal of the t-shirt previously, getting one back on is just as much (if not more) of a trial. What is that all about? It's just a t-shirt, not a straight jacket or some sort of medieval torture device & let's not get me started on the trousers. Get one leg in just as he kicks the other leg off & all that jazz.

Phew, finally dressed. You'd think that was it, all over. Some nights, it is. It's then on to the lovely part, snuggles, whispering how much I love him & nursing him to sleep. But some nights, like tonight, it's not so sweet. Imagine having to read Peppa Pig/Julia Donaldsonesque rhymey type books/books that you genuinely don't need to look at the book to read over & over until your eyes bleed. Yeah, that. All the while, still snuggled in nursing of right enough, but painful nonetheless. Some nights, he falls asleep during the first story, some nights I read the whole bloody library, some nights (like tonight) it's just chaos. Pure unadulaterated chaos, escaping the room, jumping on the bed, elbow-dropping & body slamming me (again, laughing maniacally) as I lay there drowning in my own sorrow desperately wishing it was over. Maybe one day, I'll look back on these moments & laugh. I doubt it.

I sound like a pretty mean Mummy & to be honest, reading it back it doesn't sound too bad but trust me, living in the moment, pretty much 5-6 nights a week, during the bath/bedtime process I end up in tears. I sometimes wonder if he does it for entertainment value, you know. You'd think after 2 years & 5 months, the message would have sunk in, wouldn't you. But no, it hasn't. So here's to another God knows how many years of stressful bath/bedtimes until it finally hits home.

- M

The thing is, I know right now, I'm going to go upstairs into the bedroom. Lay in bed in the middly of the two of them & feel the overwhelming sense of guilt all parents experience after a long stressful day with the kids. Whether it be because you've been angry at them, yelled at them or pretty much decided you're going to run away (although you know you never could) & it all melts away. We love them really, no matter how trying they are & I cannot wait to go & cuddle up to the two of them. The terrors that they are. <3

I like my big butt but I cannot lie...

Ooh what a lovely day it was today. Managed to swing a nice day out with the kids to the swing park then visiting some family. Interrupted only by O deciding to dive head first into the step on the slide & burst his lip >_< And alas, I've failed in my responsible parent role yet again by letting myself get sunburnt. IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!!! Rather gloriously I must add. Bright red upper arms, red shoulders, a fantastic scarlet collar across my clavicle & a nice shiny burnt face to go with it. This, kids, is *not* responsible suncare!! I knew the fairly peaceful, fun, enjoyable day was too good to be true!

Aside from the agony inflicted by the sun today, I have other problems. Potentially more serious ones than a bit of sting on my shoulders.

I'm getting fat. There, I said it. Now, I'm not saying I don't like what I see in the mirror. I look at myself now & compare it to what I looked like before the children & I must say, apart from the muffin top (utterly preventable by wearing the right sized jeans, I have to add), I probably look better now than I did then. Pre-children I was a size 6, teeny tiny little thing so I was. Post-children I  now wear up to a size 16 depending on where I'm buying from. Which is fair enough, that doesn't bother me, although having to buy & sew new clothes isn't exactly a selling point. My concern is my health & the health of my family.

Looking in the mirror, I'm fairly happy with what I see. As long as I wear the right sort of clothes, I manage to hide the extra weight pretty well. Come out looking not too bad. But I became increasingly aware of just how many items of clothing I was throwing away, how breathless I was becoming here & there, how some activities I was finding a bit harder to do. So one day, out of curiosity, I decided to check what my BMI was. After entering my height, weight, age & sex, I sat horrified as the word OBESE stared at me from my computer screen & the little pointer showing my BMI hovered there in the red section. After recovering from the initial shock of realising that according to the NHS I was obese, I posted about it on Facebook. I wasn't obese, no way, I was "fair putting the weight on" as some would say, but not obese! Thankfully, some friends came to my rescue. Spamming me with information from places about how BMIs are outdated & they're not an accurate representation of yourself. So that was great, although I'm overweight, I'm not THAT overweight. I felt better.

But it niggled away at me still, in the back of my mind. Then, thinking about my life realistically, I realised that no matter how much I love what I look like on the outside (whether slim, average or overweight), I probably wasn't looking good on the inside. Becoming complacent with how I've been living just because I look OK was pretty irresponsible. Eating far too much of the wrong things & not getting as much exercise as I should,, am I really setting the right example for my children? Overlooking the chaffing thighs & extra stretch marks just because I look nice & curvy in my jeans? Eating as much cake as I can possibly manage, ignoring the fact that we already have diabetes & heart disease in the family? Foolishly letting my children, MY CHILDREN (!) fall into bad food habits? What the hell went wrong there then? 

So, I sucked it up & admitted to myself that I'd skewed off the right path somewhere. I was in shape & healthy once before, my kids both had very healthy diets as babies & young toddlers, we all used to get plenty of exercise together then gradually, somehow, things changed direction. But I've realised the error of my ways & now it's time to get back on track again.

I've started monitoring my food intake again, going to keep a closer eye on what the boys are eating, get myself more active, particularly with the kids. Do something about it. I just need the motivation. And what better motivation than this:

High blood pressure, infertility, diabetes, various cancers, heart disease, stroke, asthma, arthritis, back pain, depression, back pain, liver disease, kidney disease, sleep apnoea, GERD, gestational diabetes & pre-eclampsia (in pregnancy). Risk of all of the above is increased by being overweight/obese. And that's scary. Scared me for my own sake, but also for my children's sake if I don't do something about it. 

I will keep you updated with my progress. I'm only looking at losing maybe 2 stone to get back to "ideal" weight but I like my grabby bits, my jiggly bum, my boobs, my hips. So my focus on getting us all healthier again. From a few dietary tweaks (I'M NOT GIVING UP MY CAKES AND PASTRIES!!!!!) to getting us all away from the screens & gadgets, we can do this! I'll update my progress when I can.

Ladies, this isn't about losing weight or looking like what we're "supposed" to look like according to society. This is about being happy with yourself but making sure we're taking care of ourselves at the same time. Whether you're a size 4 or a size 28, you ARE beautiful & don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But be good to yourself, take care of yourself & let's try & live as long as we can, know what I'm saying?? 

- M

PS, if you *are* looking to make changes to your lifestyle, avoid faddy (potentially dangerous) diets & food replacements, do it the right way. Here's a few links to help do it right.

NHS Choices - Healthy Eating - Totally sensible information on losing weight/getting healthy.
My Fitness Pal (look, it's me!) - A valuable tool to help keep track of your diet & exercise, with forums to get support from others in the same position as you.
Change4Life  Great site helping you & your family make changes to benefit you all.

And don't forget about the cake ;)

Hello old friend...

Pfft... Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Kinda forgot all about the blog. Whoops.

So, in the rather large gap since I've posted, there have been some developments. I remember discussing my social anxiety previously somewhere & I've done something huge.

I realised where I want to go in life. I want to cook. I love to cook. It's a passion I can bring to a professional level. So, I applied for college, attended a (disastrous) interview & got accepted. Woohoo, how awesome is that?

I'm having second thoughts. Not for the reasons you might think though. It's not the anxiety, it's not the new situation, it's not fear (although it's pretty damn scary). It's about me & the kids.

W is starting school in August (that came around pretty quickly) so I had no worries about him. I knew he'd be in school all day, I wouldn't have to worry about him being dropped off or picked up etc. But O starts nursery in January & I wanna be there the same way I did for W. I know I can put him into a college nursery but I want him at the local nursery to make the transition into school easier. I wanna be there for him in the afternoon, picking him up & doing stuff together like W & I used to do. Plus, he's a totally different kid. Between separation anxiety & various other issues (that's a whole other story), I don't feel it would be in his best interest (or mine for that matter) to leave him for college just yet.

To be honest, is it really worth being in college, trying to study & progress when the whole time I'd be wondering about what's happening back home & at nursery? I'd be doing myself an injustice never mind anyone else.

At first, I was upset with my decision. I was angry that I'd wasted people's time & then changed my mind. I was worried about what other people would say. Some thinking that I was making excuses not to go, some people believing that there's more to life than kids. But you know what? I'm a parent first & foremost & my heart lies with my children. To do something for myself & not being entirely sure it's the best thing all round for my children is the most important thing in the world. Do I really want to do something I want to do but not have my heart 100% in it? 

I have time on my side. Plenty of time. I can wait a year & a half to go to college until O is in primary school. Why be half happy & doubt yourself for almost 2 years when I can be happy knowing I've did the right thing by me & my family?

Mummies (& daddies), we spend our whole parenting lives doubting ourselves. Whether it be about how we feed our babies, where they sleep, how we lead them, we always doubt ourselves. Just remember, you & your kids are the ones who matter. Trust your instincts & don't let how other people are going to judge you or feel about you. Don't do anything if you know, deep in your heart, that it's not the right thing to do or the right time to do it. And DO NOT beat yourself up over the things you have or haven't done. Be happy.

- M

Going from tandem to solo...

Well Christmas & New Year are well past. Had a lovely holiday experience with all the family this year which was wonderful but we've had a rather large change. I'm no longer a tandem feeding Mummy.

I'll start way back in 2009 when I gave birth to my eldest son, W, (who is 4.5 now) & made the decision to breastfeed. Didn't set myself any limits but said I'd wean when we came to the first birthday, that went by without a thought, then I said the second birthday passed without a thought, then just decided self-weaning (the process of a baby/toddler/child weaning themselves naturally off the breast) would be the best option.

W (2) & I nursing while I was 4 months pregnant

(Photo courtesy of Adele McVay Photography)

I knew from the get-go that I didn't want to be nursing when the kids started primary school (age 5) but in my mind was convinced that the children would have weaned by that point & I wouldn't have to get involved. So the youngest, O (2 this month), came along & we decided to tandem nurse (the process of nursing two children of a different age). So this went on as usual, other than the usual shock from anyone who found out we were tandem nursing there were no issues, no hitches etc.

But then it started getting a bit "different" for other people. The boys & I were absolutely fine, W isn't due to start school until nearing the end of 2014 so in my eyes, we were golden. No need to rush things. But then surprisingly, after being extremely supportive of extended breastfeeding, some people in my life became a bit "funny" about it. Making comments here & there. Saying it was time to step in & be involved in the weaning process etc. I'm not going to lie, it bothered me. A lot. It kind of felt like they were going on about it all the time (although this was possibly my frustration making things seem worse than they were)But I changed the subject, the time will come when we need to think about it blah blah. The thought upset me, not of not breastfeeding the eldest but of the fact that it was going to make HIM unhappy. Having a conversation here & there about him not nursing any more at some point would end up with him upset or looking pretty hurt.

Eventually mid-December I gave in & said that we would step in during the Christmas holidays. Plenty of distraction with presents, visitors, things to do, it would probably be a little easier & less of a disruption. So come Boxing Day morning, W nursed for the last time. We've had tears, heart string tugging conversations asking why he's not "allowed" to nurse when O is & stealth-ninja-attempted-nursing-when-I'm-sleeping situations. It's been a weird one. His sleep is now all over the place, ever since weaning he will not sleep properly. O, although still nursing, is following suit. I'm like a total bloody zombie. I think I might actually be more tired now than I was dealing with a newborn, breastfed on demand, colicky, dairy intolerant squawking 24 hours a day!! I'm hoping & praying that it's going to pass & maybe one day he won't ask to nurse & make me feel like the most awful person in the world. But after having 0 hours sleep last night (apart from the stolen 3 hours when W was at nursery today), I think if I have another night like it again, the temptation to just abandon the weaning thing altogether might just take over LOL

Part of me desperately wishes that I hadn't given in to the pressure of other people, but maybe it was the right thing to do, going into primary school is already a massive change & that coupled with the adjustment to having just been through the weaning process might have been too much for him. All I know is, it was a wonderful experience having been fortunate enough to have a successful breastfeeding relationship & I'm thankful for all the support I've had over the years. I'm just struggling a bit with the guilt of knowing that a. I'm doing something that's not necessarily making my child happy & b.  not doing something that I had my heart set on (was dead-set against weaning &  desperately wanting to follow the self-weaning route) therefore, I suppose, letting myself down.

Thankfully, the eldest still loves me (the most, apparently) & doesn't resent his younger brother still nursing. I know in time it'll all settle but for now, here's to another sleepless night...

- M

For anyone reading this who is confused, disagrees with extended breastfeeding (or in fact breastfeeding in general) please don't judge (because I've seen this s**t get ugly before). It might be hard to understand (I for one didn't "get" it until I was in the situation myself) but just try to keep an open mind.