Going from tandem to solo...

Well Christmas & New Year are well past. Had a lovely holiday experience with all the family this year which was wonderful but we've had a rather large change. I'm no longer a tandem feeding Mummy.

I'll start way back in 2009 when I gave birth to my eldest son, W, (who is 4.5 now) & made the decision to breastfeed. Didn't set myself any limits but said I'd wean when we came to the first birthday, that went by without a thought, then I said the second birthday passed without a thought, then just decided self-weaning (the process of a baby/toddler/child weaning themselves naturally off the breast) would be the best option.

W (2) & I nursing while I was 4 months pregnant

(Photo courtesy of Adele McVay Photography)

I knew from the get-go that I didn't want to be nursing when the kids started primary school (age 5) but in my mind was convinced that the children would have weaned by that point & I wouldn't have to get involved. So the youngest, O (2 this month), came along & we decided to tandem nurse (the process of nursing two children of a different age). So this went on as usual, other than the usual shock from anyone who found out we were tandem nursing there were no issues, no hitches etc.

But then it started getting a bit "different" for other people. The boys & I were absolutely fine, W isn't due to start school until nearing the end of 2014 so in my eyes, we were golden. No need to rush things. But then surprisingly, after being extremely supportive of extended breastfeeding, some people in my life became a bit "funny" about it. Making comments here & there. Saying it was time to step in & be involved in the weaning process etc. I'm not going to lie, it bothered me. A lot. It kind of felt like they were going on about it all the time (although this was possibly my frustration making things seem worse than they were)But I changed the subject, the time will come when we need to think about it blah blah. The thought upset me, not of not breastfeeding the eldest but of the fact that it was going to make HIM unhappy. Having a conversation here & there about him not nursing any more at some point would end up with him upset or looking pretty hurt.

Eventually mid-December I gave in & said that we would step in during the Christmas holidays. Plenty of distraction with presents, visitors, things to do, it would probably be a little easier & less of a disruption. So come Boxing Day morning, W nursed for the last time. We've had tears, heart string tugging conversations asking why he's not "allowed" to nurse when O is & stealth-ninja-attempted-nursing-when-I'm-sleeping situations. It's been a weird one. His sleep is now all over the place, ever since weaning he will not sleep properly. O, although still nursing, is following suit. I'm like a total bloody zombie. I think I might actually be more tired now than I was dealing with a newborn, breastfed on demand, colicky, dairy intolerant squawking 24 hours a day!! I'm hoping & praying that it's going to pass & maybe one day he won't ask to nurse & make me feel like the most awful person in the world. But after having 0 hours sleep last night (apart from the stolen 3 hours when W was at nursery today), I think if I have another night like it again, the temptation to just abandon the weaning thing altogether might just take over LOL

Part of me desperately wishes that I hadn't given in to the pressure of other people, but maybe it was the right thing to do, going into primary school is already a massive change & that coupled with the adjustment to having just been through the weaning process might have been too much for him. All I know is, it was a wonderful experience having been fortunate enough to have a successful breastfeeding relationship & I'm thankful for all the support I've had over the years. I'm just struggling a bit with the guilt of knowing that a. I'm doing something that's not necessarily making my child happy & b.  not doing something that I had my heart set on (was dead-set against weaning &  desperately wanting to follow the self-weaning route) therefore, I suppose, letting myself down.

Thankfully, the eldest still loves me (the most, apparently) & doesn't resent his younger brother still nursing. I know in time it'll all settle but for now, here's to another sleepless night...

- M

For anyone reading this who is confused, disagrees with extended breastfeeding (or in fact breastfeeding in general) please don't judge (because I've seen this s**t get ugly before). It might be hard to understand (I for one didn't "get" it until I was in the situation myself) but just try to keep an open mind.