So, in the rather large gap since I've posted, there have been some developments. I remember discussing my social anxiety previously somewhere & I've done something huge.
I realised where I want to go in life. I want to cook. I love to cook. It's a passion I can bring to a professional level. So, I applied for college, attended a (disastrous) interview & got accepted. Woohoo, how awesome is that?
I'm having second thoughts. Not for the reasons you might think though. It's not the anxiety, it's not the new situation, it's not fear (although it's pretty damn scary). It's about me & the kids.
W is starting school in August (that came around pretty quickly) so I had no worries about him. I knew he'd be in school all day, I wouldn't have to worry about him being dropped off or picked up etc. But O starts nursery in January & I wanna be there the same way I did for W. I know I can put him into a college nursery but I want him at the local nursery to make the transition into school easier. I wanna be there for him in the afternoon, picking him up & doing stuff together like W & I used to do. Plus, he's a totally different kid. Between separation anxiety & various other issues (that's a whole other story), I don't feel it would be in his best interest (or mine for that matter) to leave him for college just yet.
To be honest, is it really worth being in college, trying to study & progress when the whole time I'd be wondering about what's happening back home & at nursery? I'd be doing myself an injustice never mind anyone else.
At first, I was upset with my decision. I was angry that I'd wasted people's time & then changed my mind. I was worried about what other people would say. Some thinking that I was making excuses not to go, some people believing that there's more to life than kids. But you know what? I'm a parent first & foremost & my heart lies with my children. To do something for myself & not being entirely sure it's the best thing all round for my children is the most important thing in the world. Do I really want to do something I want to do but not have my heart 100% in it?
I have time on my side. Plenty of time. I can wait a year & a half to go to college until O is in primary school. Why be half happy & doubt yourself for almost 2 years when I can be happy knowing I've did the right thing by me & my family?
Mummies (& daddies), we spend our whole parenting lives doubting ourselves. Whether it be about how we feed our babies, where they sleep, how we lead them, we always doubt ourselves. Just remember, you & your kids are the ones who matter. Trust your instincts & don't let how other people are going to judge you or feel about you. Don't do anything if you know, deep in your heart, that it's not the right thing to do or the right time to do it. And DO NOT beat yourself up over the things you have or haven't done. Be happy.
- M
Nice to see you blogging again! FB is OK but you can't go into depth like you can on a blog.
ReplyDeleteSorry you won't be off to college this year but at least you know that they want you and you can reapply another year.
It's better to not do something for the right reasons that to do something for the wrong ones. If that makes sense!
In the meantime maybe you could start a cupcake business or do some buffets for friends? Some of my school friends do that to earn a little extra cash.
Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good idea. I was thinking of seeing if I could get a weekend job somewhere foodwise. Any experience at all should go in my favour. I just feel a weight off my shoulders now that I'm not constantly questioning myself.
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